There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
