i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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