i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
