I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
