You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
