i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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