nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
