Old men and throwing up are my life now.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
