The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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