i barfeds in our rink
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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