I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
