we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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