Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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