He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
