I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Randomize
