where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
