god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
