i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
