So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
