you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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