I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
this will be a night to untag.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Randomize
