I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
