why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
