I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
