i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
