Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Someone came in the potted fern
My ass is underappreciated
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
