She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
