There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
