she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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