Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
