I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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