Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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