you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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