I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
