Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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