Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
