Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
