And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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