My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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