if you like me you must not know who I am
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
