dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
We were destined to go to rehab together
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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