my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
