my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
