i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
