she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
