mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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