Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
