Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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