There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
