My hand turned me down
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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