May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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