if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
