exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
