I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
